In other news, I continue to face challenges in my development as a social worker and as a Christian. The most recent being in a class about group dynamics. My professor lectured for more than an hour about listening (no joke) and then had the entire class do an exercise based on his lecture. The challenge wasn't so much in what he said, but what he wanted us to do in the exercise. We were supposed to practice listening skills and the one thing he stressed over and over was that true listening cannot take place unless you "...empty yourself to make space for others." A red flag (ok, maybe just pink) was raised in my mind. Here are some of the points he made:
1. To empty ourselves of our agendas in order to be able to hear those of others- no problem with this one
2. To empty ourselves of our prejudices, biases, stereotypes, projections, etc. in order to see and hear what is real- I understand what he means, but the way he said it made me uncomfortable.
3. To empty ourselves of our expectations and required outcomes- no problem, basically don't expect that the other person wants advice.
4. To empty ourselves of the need or organize or control a group or person or our environment or an outcome- no problem with that.
5. To empty ourselves of the need to be "Captain of our Fate" to surrender our lives to a "Higher Power" a spirit greater than ourselves- red flag, DANGER! WILL ROBINSON!
6. To empty ourselves of the defensive barriers that prevent the intimacy you really want- no problems there.
Why did this issue of "emptying" bother me so much? For one, when you empty something, you are preparing to put something else in its place and the question that should be asked is, "Is this (fill in the blank here) good for me?" I thought that was an issue that my professor would naturally discuss, but oddly enough it never came up. I think it's a valid question. If the key to really listening is to empty myself, shouldn't I be careful about what I listen to?
This point leads me to what really bothered me about this idea of emptying: we cannot truly "...empty ourselves" of anything because we are made up of things from our environment, family of origin, life experiences, memories, emotions, etc. We cannot flip a switch and become a tabula rasa, blank slate, because we were never one to begin with (ever noticed how babies can tell a difference between babies that look like they do and other babies that don't?). However, it is possible to set those things aside temporarily in order to listen to others. Semantics? Maybe, maybe not.
Seriously, Joss Whedon missed a great story arc by not letting his characters go to grad school. Buffy would have kicked some philosophical ass.
You can look at emptying yourself in a different light. Instead of emptying yourself to be prepared to replace something new, I would instead look at it as, unclogging a filter to let the flow of information easily enter through you and out. I agree with you, that they way we grew up has permanently installed filters that control what we want to hear and what we don't. I think the hardest part we face in our lives is removing a filter that we have grown used to, even if its a wrong one to have.
ReplyDeleteKeep on writing your blog...your doing a good job.
Thanks for the encouragement. It's hard to find the time to write. I've got pages of ideas, just not enough time and energy to flesh them all out.
ReplyDeleteI like your filter analogy. I would call that "filter" a world view, with its own predetermined limits and expectations that may allow us to not listen to others. However, I don't think that is so much a fault of our world view as it is our limited understanding of the scope of our world view.
For example, my world view is decidedly based on the Bible and it's teachings and the Bible clearly states that adultery is wrong (Exodus 20:14). However, when Jesus was confronted with a woman caught in the act of adultery, he showed mercy and forgiveness (John 8:1-11). Did Jesus break the law of Moses (remove the Old Testament filter)? No, he took into account God's mercy and lovingkindness (mercy is mentioned more in the OT than anywhere else in the Bible) and it carried more weight than condemnation.
I hope all that made sense. Basically, we have control over how we listen to others. A filter or world view may change our response to what we hear, but I'm not sure it can stop us from hearing altogether.
Thanks for the comment! You really made me think!